{"id":7865093,"date":"2026-09-18T01:00:09","date_gmt":"2026-09-18T07:00:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.denverpost.com\/?p=7865093"},"modified":"2026-09-15T14:35:07","modified_gmt":"2026-09-15T20:35:07","slug":"couple-friend-pool-asking-eric","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.denverpost.com\/2026\/09\/18\/couple-friend-pool-asking-eric\/","title":{"rendered":"Asking Eric: Friend uses couple for their pool"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Eric:<\/strong> I am the older partner in a gay relationship. We have a mutual friend (John) who we have invited to our home four times for a swim and dinner. He has never invited us to his home to reciprocate for dinner, has never brought a bottle of wine or any gift of appreciation, has never sent us a thank you note or email, and never brings a towel for his use at the pool.<\/p>\n

I feel that we are being used and do not know how to broach the subject to John about my feelings. My partner said that I should tell John how I feel, but I am not comfortable doing this since I think it would come across as a criticism and scolding.<\/p>\n

I would welcome your thoughts about this.<\/p>\n

— No Free Diving<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Diving:<\/strong> I think your partner is right on the money. It may help you to think of this hypothetical conversation with John less as criticism and more as communication about what you need in order to enjoy your time together. This kind of communication is crucial for friendships and other relationships. Ideally, it happens easily and naturally; we all want relationships in which we feel comfortable asking for what we need. But sometimes we have to make the effort.<\/p>\n

John should know enough to bring his own towel, at the very least, if not a thank-you gift. There could be many reasons why he doesn\u2019t seem to. A conversation might shed some light. You can say something as simple as \u201cwe enjoy having you over, but it would be helpful for you to bring your own towel and share the responsibility for entertaining next time.\u201d You might even tell him what you want him to bring in terms of snacks or wine.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s very likely that John doesn\u2019t realize that this is an issue. Maybe he is using you, but it\u2019s also possible he\u2019s just not putting enough thought into this and is taking you for granted unintentionally. By talking to him about what you\u2019re experiencing and keeping the focus on what you\u2019d like to do differently in the future, you offer him an insight he may be missing and give him the chance to be the friend you need him to be.<\/p>\n

Dear Eric:<\/strong> For most of my 20s I lived with two roommates, let\u2019s call them Kim and Kurt. When I was 28, I moved into an apartment with my now-fianc\u00e9. I\u2019m now 34. Kim and Kurt and I have stayed in contact but to differing degrees. Kurt and I see each other about twice a month, sometimes more. He is also friendly with my fianc\u00e9 and the three of us hang out together a fair amount, too.<\/p>\n

Kim is a different story. I\u2019ve reached out a little but things kind of petered out a few years ago. I\u2019ve heard from Kurt that Kim is hurt that things between us have changed, which is confusing to me. She\u2019s just never available and it\u2019s not like she reaches out. So, now I\u2019m kind of mad at her for being mad at me.<\/p>\n

Kim lives so near me, like a few blocks away. Kurt lives out in the suburbs and always has to drive into the city where I live. But he has no issue and our friendship has grown. I just don\u2019t know what to do about Kim. Can you help?<\/p>\n

— Three\u2019s Company<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Company:<\/strong> It seems like a lot of this mystery is being pieced together like a game of Telephone, which is often the way with friends. In and of itself, that\u2019s not a problem, but it does create some issues when the narrative you have in your mind doesn\u2019t match up with what she\u2019s thinking.<\/p>\n